What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 00:08
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
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Who then, do I blame.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She married twice! .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why does he text me first but when I never text first he gets mad?
This is soul school!.
She was in good health!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
What should I expect after a BBL surgery?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But it wasn’t much.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Especially a lifetime of it.
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im still living with it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
All the time i was locked up.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One cannot live in the past .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i lived it daily.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
(And it was in our own minds.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was seconnd youngest,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So, i spoilt her more .
She found it foreign!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I waited trembling.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I said to her
We all went to grammer schools
I never cut or harmed myself..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When she asked me how she looked .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He knew the spot.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Put me off passion for life!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She loved him until the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I could never make a relationship work though!
So whats the point in blame.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What did i know ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I will be 64.
I was scared of men, in general
I couldn’t, believe it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were not on the streets..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I have no regrets .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My life is so biszare .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was 9 years of age.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Would this be the day?
I was very sick at this time too.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I think the readers, may guess!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My family never makes their pension either.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I don,t even have a pension.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But, we were locked up after school.
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
It was going to be , some day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She wouldn,t have been !
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He resisted the act ,that day.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I write beautiful poetry .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.